You need to know who you can trust. This is the case whether you are in a long and slow-burning type of SHTF that we frogs currently find ourselves in, or a more dramatic one, such as what Selco lived through. The more dramatic the SHTF, the more important the trust factor is.
Who knows what’s coming down the pipeline for us? So why wait to hone your trust detector skills until it’s too late? In SHTF, you’ll be too busy trying to find drinkable water to get to know that neighbor whom you always thought might be a prepper. I’ve been giving this a lot of thought over the past couple of weeks. You see, as it often happens, my own life is the inspiration for these articles.
A couple of weeks ago, someone I thought I could trust….well, they turned out not to be so trustworthy after all. It was a painful lesson. To be honest, I haven’t fully processed it or figured out just what went wrong there. However, in my typical style, I am on my learning curve, seeking out information that will help me improve, if possible, for next time. I thought I would share what I have learned with you all so far.
In terms of psychology, there are some basic behaviors and character traits that you can look for when considering whether you can trust someone. The key here is that all of this takes time. So, if you had been thinking about finding your prepper posse, the day to start is today, not tomorrow. Reach out and try to meet some like-minded folks in your area now, whether through preparedness/homesteading courses, online forums, or the like. (Here are more tips for making prepper friends.) Over time, you can use the list below to assess the trustworthiness of your potential community members.
Trust Your Instincts
I am a very intuitive person. If I have a gut feeling that someone cannot be trusted, I go with that, even if the evidence hasn’t surfaced yet. In the situation I went through a couple of weeks ago, although everything seemed great on the surface about this new friend, I had a gut feeling that something wasn’t adding up. Trusting this feeling, I was cautious about what I shared.
Fast forward a couple of years, and she broke my trust: big time. How it happened doesn’t really matter. She showed that she couldn’t be trusted when the chips were down. I live in a small town, so I’ll always be polite to her, but once bitten, twice shy. Through this, I learned a valuable lesson about how a gut instinct is important to listen to, even when everything on the surface appears fine.
Look for Actions, not Words
Here’s what the psychologists have to say about trust. Take a close look at the person you are considering whether to trust or not: watch what they do. In your conversations, are they sharing gossip about others? What makes you think that they will not gossip about you? They may be insecure and trying to impress you with what they know. But you could be the victim of that insecurity the next time they need to impress someone else.
Speaking of sharing, watch carefully what happens when you share something vulnerable with a new acquaintance. Does what you shared make it into your small town’s gossip mill? Is it used against you sarcastically at a later time? Where is the trust in that? Confronted, this person may say they were “just joking,” but you just caught sight of a real red flag.
Overall, you are looking for consistency. Is what they do consistent with what they say? This can be seen in even small daily interactions. Are you always the one to pick up the tab for breakfast? Did they “forget” to bring their wallet again? Where is the respect and reciprocity in that?
Do you need some honest feedback on something, but you can tell they are holding back? They may be trying to protect your feelings, but it is a sign that they aren’t comfortable with a certain level of honesty with you.
Similarly, what if they made an error, like forgetting to meet you at the gym? Do they own up to the error honestly, or blame the calendar function in their phone….on the fritz again! Although these may not seem like major issues, over time, these actions that are not consistent with honesty speak much louder than words.
Also, keep in mind that I’m not recommending a rigid counting of every favor in a book. Everyone has down times in their lives, or times when they may need some extra help, like an illness, personal loss, or unemployment. Look for behavior over time that shows a sense of responsibility for reciprocity. Trust someone who wants to contribute actively to the relationship, not only take.
Finally, does this person do what they say they are going to do? Sure, things come up sometimes, but overall, do they keep their promises? I remember a “friend” I once had. She used to say dramatically “I’m there for you, whatever you need, just let me know.” Well, one week, after a major car accident which totalled my car, I needed a jug of water at my off-grid tiny home. Where was this “friend”? Hmmmm….nowhere to be found. You definitely want to find sh*t like this out way before SHTF!
Showing Respect
Trust is also closely related to respect. Someone you can trust respects your boundaries. Say one night, you were going to go out to a movie with a friend, but your spouse is ill and you need to stay home. If someone can’t respect your need to support your spouse, they might try to guilt-trip you into coming anyhow, or at least try to make you feel bad about not keeping your plans. Someone who behaves this way is not empathetic and cannot be trusted to see and respect your needs beyond their own.
Similarly, as you get to know someone, keep an eye out for signs that they are not respecting you for who you are. Maybe you just meet someone and they tease you about your beater car. You brush it off, as you’re having a lot of fun hanging out. However, you continue to get ribbed and receive comments about how you should upgrade “the old jalopy.” Maybe they send you a few texts with some 0% financing offers on new vehicles. You get the drift. This is just a small example of how someone might show a lack of respect that is combined with a desire to manipulate or control your behavior.
“You Can Trust Me!”
Trust is earned over time by observing behaviors, not listening to words. Are you working on building a community you can trust in SHTF? Are you using any of the ideas above? Do you have one of your own you can share with us? Please tell us in the comments section.
About Rowan
Rowan O’Malley is a fourth-generation Irish American who loves all things green: plants (especially shamrocks), trees, herbs, and weeds! She challenges herself daily to live her best life and to be as fit, healthy, and prepared as possible.
One Response
Just experienced this. My Drum Instructor who I have been going to for 1 years just up and retired with no warning, no explanation, no communication, leaving his Students hanging out on a limb!!! I trusted him. I thought he was my friend. We had such sweet times of fellowship during our Lessons. Never dreamed in a thousand years he would do his Students dirty like this!!! Read this quote in a woman’s magazine “Just because a person is friendly doesn’t make them your friend”. I have to keep reminding myself that.
I have been stabbed in the back so many times the past 20 years that it is getting harder and harder to trust people. I find that the less I have to do with people the better off I am.